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2007 Week 05

You're looking live at ... the living room in the Beardstown, IL, house I grew up in. Looks pretty much the same as it did when I left for college, except Mom & Dad finally upgraded to an HDTV. "Matlock" just isn't the same in SDTV. You might think that five days of vacation would leave me with enough free time for a massive web site update and Week 05 post. And you would be wrong. All the fishing, drinking, eating, and sleeping is leaving me exhausted.

Penn State vs. Michigan - By the numbers

-Infinity - IQ of the Penn State offensive coaching staff. Did they not watch the previous three Wolverine games? Spread out your receivers and make the linebackers cover in space. None of this off-tackle running and seven-step drop crap.

-Eleventy billion - Combined pocket awareness and QB IQ of Penn State senior Anthony Morelli. He really is as bad as advertised, although the PSU offensive line didn't help matters much.

0 - Number of times JoePa trotted off the field for an emergency deuce.

1 - Number of Jackaroo look-alikes sitting near us in Section 1.

1 - Number of times I trotted out of the stands (thankfully not for an emergency deuce).

1 - Elementary schools contacted by Penn State's collegiate licensing company to put a stop to the school's use of a logo bearing a striking resemblance to the Nittany Lion. At least PSU beat somebody this week.

2 - Turnovers by each offense.

6 - Punts by Zoltan Mesko, Michigan's punter (brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department). I, for one, welcome our new Zoltan overlords.

9 - Number of points scored by the Nittany Lions in a losing effort.

14 - Number of points scored by the Wolverines in a victorious effort.

23 - Number of games Mike Hart has rushed for over 100 yards, a Michigan record.

44 - Number of carries on the day for Mike Hart.

50 - Ounces of water consumed during the game. The weather was beautiful and the temperatures were mild, but we were sitting right in the sun. Not that I'm complaining with seats like this.

153 - Yards rushing for Mike Hart on the day.

111,310 - Official attendance for Saturday afternoon's contest.

Appalachian State lost to Wofford (!) this week. Now we have to figure out where Wofford is located. That makes Penn State the team that lost to the team that lost to the team that lost to Wofford. A veritable quadrumvirate of suck (which, as an Illini fan, I definitely know a lot about).

Only on the internet can you somehow relate a product called "Jingle Jugs" and college football. I'm staking claims right now to the "Jingle Balls" concept.

Good to see things are getting back to normal in Tallahassee. ... Miami whooped Texas A&M in a Thursday night Orange Bowl matchup. Coach Fran must have asbestos britches, as the TAMU athletic director felt compelled, once again, to reiterate his policy of not firing coaches during the middle of the season. ... Speaking of coaches on the hot seat, Virginia defeated Georgia Tech to move to 3-0 in the ACC. Most folks were calling for Al Groh's head on a stick at the end of last season; the Cavaliers performance thus far has certainly exceeded expectations. ... Duke nearly scored win #2 for the year but ultimately lost to Navy 46-43. The Blue Devils should model their schedule after Notre Dame and play all the service academies. Hell, they should play Notre Dame, too.

Big 11
Speaking of the Domers, their horrible season (0-4 and counting) qualifies them for membership in the Big 11 conference. This week's golden disaster was a loss at home to Michigan State. Things improved, if ever so slightly, on offense for the Fledgling Irish. They scored two (totally serious, for reals) touchdowns. Let's recap the first scoring drive in Emu Clausen's young career: Incomplete pass, handoff, handoff for touchdown. He's clearly the next Joe Montana. Cruise on over to Chuck's Myspace page for further reaction.

New Gold Standard
Bha ha ha

Up next for the Irish is Purdue, a 45-31 winner this week over Minnesota. Like every other Joe Tiller coached team in the past, I expect this year's version of Purdue to soil their drawers in grand fashion when they play a quality opponent. Fortunately for the Boilermakers that won't be against Notre Dame. ... Illinois ran roughshod over the Hoosiers in Bloomington. Unfortunately I didn't get to watch because both Comcast and the Big Ten Network have their heads up their asses. I'll be happy to get back home in October to my DirecTV. ... Wisconsin outlasted Iowa 17-13 in what I will charitably call a snoozefest. The Badgers appear to be challenging the Buckeyes for conference leader status, an honor on par with being named the tallest midget. Stay classy, Madison.

The Ohio State Aesculus glabras edged Northwestern 58-7. One of my friends from high school who is a Northwestern alumnus said fans are much more comfortable with a weekly pounding in the Big Ten than losing to Duke. True dat. In more exciting news out of Columbus this week, third-string QB Antonio Henton was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. But fear not Ohio State fans. It's not an NCAA violation because the prostitute did not charge less than she would to any other student. That made these guys happy:

Putting the type in stereotype

We've already gone over the highlights of the PSU-UM game. Well, almost all the highlights. As Sarah and I were wandering around the rich people parking lot, waiting for the band to march by while playing Hail to the SomethingOrOthers, it was brought to my attention that the Wolverine cheerleaders were wearing uniforms that looked less like soccer moms, more like Song Girls. So how do you celebrate the new Michigan cheerleader uniforms a victory over Penn State? By breakdancing, of course.

M^2 does the worm in A^2

Big 12
Already covered TAMU. Oklahoma rolled. Sooners travel to Colorado (It's Division 1 football! It's the Big 12! It ain't intramurals.) this week before the Red River Shootout on October 6th. Texas also won big and should be undefeated heading into that matchup. ... Missouri and Chase Daniel continue to impress. They took down my Mom's alma mater, Illinois State [Mom says, "Go Redbirds!". At least that's what I think she said. I had to lip read because the TV volume is set somewhere between +10 to +11 (on a dial that only goes to 10)] ... Kansas picked on Ned and hammered FIU 55-3. ... Baylor took out a MAC team (Buffalo). Iowa State, unfortunately, could not, as the Cyclones lost to Toledo 36-35. ... Nebraska damn near lost to Ball State 41-40. They should have lost, but the Cardinals dropped a touchdown pass and missed a FG in the final minute. Not good. Oklahoma is going to hang half-a-hundred on the 'Huskers by halftime. And guess which MAC team is Illinois' homecoming opponent this year? Why yes, Ball State. The Illini can't even schedule a MAC team without screwing it up.

Just when I lament the loss of John L. Smith, someone steps in to fill the void. I present to you Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy, the winner of this year's first JLSIJOTW (John L. Smith Interview Jackass Of the Week) award. Mr. Gundy was upset because Jenni Carlson, a columnist for The Oklahoman, dared to speculate on why QB Bobby Reid was benched for the start of the Texas Tech - Oklahoma game. Cry me a fucking river, Mikey. Perhaps you should be spending more time figuring out why your defense was largely responsible for a loss against Troy (you're watching Troy football!) and gave up 45 points to Texas tech (a game which you should have lost, by the way). In response to giving up 49 points, Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach requested and received the resignation of his defensive coordinate. Just between me and you, Coach Leah, your defenses have always ranged from "putrid" to "stinks to high heaven." I'm not sure a new defensive coordinator is going to come in and work Saban-like miracles.

Mikey doesn't like it

Big East
UConn and Cincinnati are both 4-0. That's nice. I'm not sure anyone has seen either team play outside of a Thursday night beatdown of Oregon State by the Bearcats. ... West Virginia and South Florida easily took care of business, setting up an undefeated Friday night showdown at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. USF fans should distract the Mountaineers with free lap dance coupons at Mons Venus. Good times, or so I've heard. ... Louisville lost to Syracuse. Let me repeat that - Louisville lost to Syracuse. I found a clip on Youtube that is fairly representative of the Orangemen (FU PCU) slicing up/around/over/through the Cardinals' defense.

Sign her up

Jesus Christ Tebowstar rushed for 166 yards and threw 2 TD passes in a 30-24 win over Ole Miss. The Rebels made things interesting in the 4th quarter by carving up Florida's secondary. The Gators host Auburn this week as they seek revenge for last year's loss @ Auburn and prepare for their Oct. 6th showdown with LSU in Death Valley. Thanks to Balijeet, we have tickets in hand! It's going to be awesome. ... LSU, meanwhile, defeated the Head Ball Coach in sound fashion, thanks in part to an impressive fake field goal.

Jesus Christ, it's a fake FG. Run, Forrest, run.

Auburn and Tennessee beat up on New Mexico State and Arkansas State, respectively. ... Mississippi State defeated Gardner-Webb (Gardner-Webb?). Be sure to check out the scene in Boiler Springs, NC, prior to their homecoming game this Fall. They TP the campus to such an extent that it makes Toomer's corner in Auburn look like a Mickey Mouse operation. ... Kentucky defeated Arkansas in spite of Darren McFadden's 173 yards rushing. Don't look now, but the Wildcats are ranked in the Top 20. In football. No, seriously. I'll get a chance to see Kentucky next Thursday when they travel to South Carolina for a Thursday night contest against the Gamecocks. The mood in Fayetteville can't be good as they watch Houston Nutt squander Heisman-level talent. It's not hard to imagine Run DMC saying "F' this" at the end of the season and bolting to the NFL.

Finally, Georgia defeated Alabama 26-23 in overtime in Tuscaloosa despite a furious, 4th quarter comeback by the Crimson Tide. Georgia fans couldn't listen to Larry Munson call the game, as the famous announcer is not taking road trips this year. But what they got from Scott Howard wasn't exactly chopped liver. Meanwhile in the ESPN booth, Mike Patrick was blabbering about Britney Spears as Georgia scored the game winning touchdown.


Not quite Yea Alabama (courtesy RJYH).

Who(m)ever created the banner picture for this site has some serious issues.

Once again, nothing of note here. All favorites won - Cal over Arizona, USC over the Willinghams, Les Diables over Beaver nation (the family nature of this web site prevents the use of the photoshopped image I have for that one), Oregon over Stanford, and UCLA over Wazzu. ESPN College Football GameDay is heading west next week to publicize the Cal-Oregon game in Eugene. This conference seriously needs to upgrade its TV contracts. I got to watch 0 (that's a big fat zero) Pac-10 games last week while east of the Mississippi. This week promises to be no different. That's a shame, because I expect the Bears & Ducks to combine for about 100 points. Defense? They don't need no stinking defense.

It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long. Buena suerte to all, and Go Illini!

Dr. T

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