Go Cardinals! Needed to get that out of my system. Back to our regularly scheduled football update. ... As I start to create this post, it's Friday night at 11:00 p.m. Eight hours until ESPN College Football GameDay and ten hours until the Saturday morning games begin. And I'm sitting in front of a computer instead of fraternizing with the not-so-hot hippie chicks of Portlandia. Perhaps this explains my bachelor status. That's not really important. What is important to me and to you, loyal readers (Hi Mom!), is that I am stoked to be providing you the flotsam and jetsam from around the college football world leading up to a weekend of action in which there are no Top 20 matchups. God, I love college football. It'll form as a habit, and seep in your soul.... ¿Listos?

ACC
North Carolina lost 23-0 to Virginia to fall to 1-6 on the season. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and Tarheel head coach John Bunting was fired on Sunday. If I had mad photoshop skilz I'd give you a funny John Bunting pic now, but since I don't we'll move on to the Tarheel's rival Duke Diables Bleus. They were defeated 20-15 by the 7th Floor Crew & Co. from Coral Gables. Not. Good. I don't care if 13 Miami players were suspended. The Hurricanes should be able to field a Pee Wee Football team coached by Snoop Dogg and hang half-a-hundred on the Blue Devils. The loss further increases the pressure on Uncle Fester in Coral Gables. Just fire him now and get it over with. ... Florida State went with the all black unis to pad Nike's pockets honor the Seminole tribe for letting them use their name. They then promptly lost to Boston College. The #1-ranked high school wide receiver (Arrelious Benn) who was in attendance was so impressed with the train wreck also known as the FSU offense that he left Illinois on his top 5 list of schools to play for. I'm not kidding.

The biggest game of the day featured the Ramblin' Wreck invading Death Valley for a night game against Clemson. I'm not sure, but I think James Davis & C.J. Spiller are still running amok in the Yellow Jackets secondary. Also, GT QB Reggie Ball came crashing back down to earth when he realized he was Reggie Ball, not the right-handed version of Marcus Vick that some people were making him out to be. I expect one more spectacular game out of Reggie before another total pantscrap performance on national television. ... Since the big game was at Clemson last week and the GameDay crew is around for the Tennessee vs. South Carolina matchup this week, some enterprising photo doctorers (if that wasn't a word before, it is now) created a perfect backdrop for the show (see the image below, courtesy of Loser with Socks). If you really want to get the heebie jeebies, take a listen to the Lee Corso Slo Jam, brought to you by our friends at Every Day Should Be Saturday.

Paging Jerry Springer, Dr. Jerry Springer

Big 11
AA played in A^2 vs. the Hawkeyes despite a pending assault charge. It should be noted that star Wolverine receiver MM (Mario Manningham) is out of commission with a knee injury. Far be it from me to suggest that ??oyd handled this incident poorly. If you want to compete with THE Ohio State Penitentiary, you've got to start acting like THE Ohio State Penitentiary. (One more penitentiary to complete the trifecta) And they aren't stopping with the thuggery. Big Blue has rolled out their answer to the tOSU video chick. Bha ha ha. Speaking of the Buckeyes, they should expect some bad karma after having Ted Ginn throw a pass on a reverse while up 28-3 in the third quarter vs. Indiana. Don't be bringing that crap to the 'Paign next week.

Shocking news from Big Ten officials

In other news around the conference, the Fighting Illinoisians nearly doubled Penn State's total yardage output but lost to the Nittany Lions in Happy Valley. You can read all about it over at the blog entitled Run Up the Score. Their byline is "We put the turd in Saturday." Classic. With a 2-6 record, I'm not sure how the Illini keep ending up on national TV. Granted, it's usually the 9 a.m. ESPN2 slot with K.D. Lang Pam Ward announcing, but it's national TV nonetheless. The Zooker must have some candid, compromising pictures of ESPN execs. ... In Evanston, the Mildcats blew a 38-3 third quarter lead and lost 41-38 to the Michigan State Spartans. Wow. I'm not sure what the hell NU coach Pat Fitzgerald was doing during the comeback. I can't even give him the LCCMOTW, because you actually have to make a coaching move to receive that award. I'm all for anything that keeps John L. Smith around at Michigan State for a while longer. It makes it much easier to come up with content for this site on a weekly basis.

Big 12
The highlight of last Saturday's Big Twelve Conference action was Texas @ Nebraska. Vince Young made a cameo. The traditional football powers battled back and forth in crappy weather to produce a thrilling game. Coach ThroatSlash pulled out a halfback pass to take the lead late in the 4th quarter (note to Coach SweaterVest - that is an appropriate time for trick plays). Then they got the ball back and started running out the clock on the way to the victory formation. So I went upstairs to do a load of laundry. All of a sudden Balijeet, my fellow Saturday football co-conspirator and McDonald's lunch bringer, erupts with a shout from downstairs, as Nebraska had just coughed (nay, barfed) up the football. Texas drove down the field, lined up for the game winning field goal, and ... my TV screen went black. That was a "holy fucking shit they better get back to that game now or else I'm going to start killing people Oakland vs. New York Jets Heidi game" moment. The Longhorns won the game, and the GamePlan blackout is just another item that I'm adding to a complaint letter that will be sent to ESPN.

Gimme an N!

Big East
West Virginia, Louisville, and SUNJ all remain undefeated. Thankfully this isn't the Big Ten, so all the teams get to play each other this season.

Pac-10
The best moment of the weekend happened after Cal's dramatic 31-24 victory over the Washington (which was sent into OT on a last second Hail Mary by U-Dub). When the game ended, Bears running back Marshawn Lynch hopped into the driver's seat of the injury cart and took it around the field for a victory spin. It was part Jackie Gleason in The Toy, part Partridge Family bus, part Magical Mystery Tour, part Cal-Stanford Big Game, part crazy bastard from Oakland just jacked some sweet wheels and is now on an out of control joyride. I'll be talking about this for years to come.

The Bears had a better time against a team from Washington than did Oregon, who lost to Wazzu in Pullman. That drops the Ducks two games behind California and USC in CRAP-10 conference play. At least we won't have to listen to Mike Belotti complain about the BCS this year. The torch for that task has been passed to Notre Dame coach Cheeseburger Weis. Five words to the not-so-Little Tuna from all non-Domers: Blow it out your ass. The Irish dropped in the BCS polls after eeking out a victory in South Bend over an average UCLA team. Whoopty freakin' do. I guess former ND legend Paul Hornung's performance at the pep rally wasn't overly inspiring. There's definitely a Catholic priest joke in there somewhere. Up next for Notre Dame is Navy. Since the Irish haven't won a bowl game since I graduated from high school, they've obviously moved on to trying to win the Commander-in-Chief's Trophy. And maybe Brady could return to Heisman hopeful quarterback form if he spent less time doing photo shoots and lounging by the pool.

Completely, totally heterosexual

The sign says it all

SEC
The 3rd Saturday in October produced another exciting Alabama-Tennessee matchup. The Vols outlasted the Crimson Tide 16-13 in front of 106,000+ in Knoxville. You don't just walk into Neyland Stadium and start messing with Smokey. He will bite your ass. I'd pay money to watch UT offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe and Alabama defensive coordinator Joe Kines compete in just about anything. The assistant coaches in the SEC are better than most of the coaches in other conferences. Alabama moves on this week to a relatively easy game vs. Florida International (watch out for swinging crutches). Tennessee travels to Columbia for a date with the Gamecocks. Let the Citrus Bowl jokes start flying!

Now we know why he's Fat Phil

Georgia managed to squeak past Mississippi State in Athens. Things just don't seem right with the Dawgs this year: more hairy, less hunkering down. That has put a bit of a damper on The World's Largest Outdoor [insert your favorite non-alcoholic beverage] Party in Jacksonville this weekend. Since CBS and ESPN have told announcers not to refer to it as "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party", folks from around the intarweb have come up with amusing alternatives. I'm tempted to print out a fifty page letter filled with nothing but the words "cocktail" and mail it to the Presidents of UF & UGA. Damn communists.

I'll tell you who's not a communist, though - Larry Munson, UGA's unabashed homer / play-by-play announcer. Strangely enough, Larry hosts a weekly movie club in Athens which he attends along with several hotties connected to the Georgia football program. While that fact alone is enough to earn enshrinement in the Mötley College Football Hall of Fame, most people are more likely to remember Larry for his call of the 1980 Georgia-Florida game (see video below). I wonder if he shouts out Lindsay Scott's name in the bedroom. Don't blame me for that image - you were thinking the same thing.

Hugh Hefner would be proud

Dumbass. Enjoy your cocktails, college football, and the extra hour of sleep on Saturday night.

Dr. T