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2004 Week 02

Football Fans,

It is once again that glorious time of year, when Beano the Hut starts making Heisman predictions, Lee Corso forgets his name and starts screaming Yo! at everyone, and "student"-athletes take to the gridiron under blue-gray skies in cold, crisp Autumn weather for the pleasure of tens of thousands of drunken idiots. (Grammar Nazis feel free to edit that last sentence appropriately) Not exactly what Grantland Rice had in mind but entertaining nonetheless.

As is custom for the inaugural e-mail that kicks off each season, everybody will be blessed with some beatdown smack talk that would make Trev Alberts blush. I'll start with a potshot at my alma mater.

Will the U. of I. once again compete for the title of 3rd best team in Illinois?

Which comes first - a return to national prominence for Penn State or JoePa starring in a Depends commercial?

When the drunken Cheeseheads hop around like idiots at the end of the 3rd quarter at Camp Randall, does the USGS at CalTech register a reading on the seismograph?

Although I am as anti-Wolverine as any Big Ten fan is expected to be, I am going to beat the bejesus out of Lloyd Carr if he ever considers using that stupid-ass punt formation again. Moron. Oregon and Michigan fans know what I am talking about. And don't get me started on that Michigan train "cheer".

I'm not sure but I think the Hawkeyes are still kicking Gator butt up and down the field. Enjoy another 8-5 season, the annual loss to the Seminoles, and excuses galore from Jeremy Foley on why the Zookmeister will be back for another go-round in '05.

Speaking of the Criminoles, only the impending hurricane is going to save them from another Wide Right debacle at the Orange Bowl on Monday.

And while we're on the criminal subject, let's hear it for the University of Colorado. If Gary keeps it up, he will soon be qualified to coach at Nebraska or Miami.

The West Coast offense has been installed at Nebraska. Look for an increase in West Coast crimes as a result (carjacking, street racing, gangsta rap, etc.). Additionally, please stop feeding the farm girls. They're scaring the children.

Football just hasn't been the same at Arizona State since Jake "No Snake" Plumber failed to take down the Buckeyes in the '97 Rose Bowl. Oh well, both teams are probably glad that John Cooper is no longer their head coach.

I wonder if the Ramblin Wreck checked Chan's resume before making him their new head coach.

Geaux Tigers!

Notre Dame sucks. In the famous words of Poppie - "On this issue there can be no debate!"

Buena suerte to all, and Go Illini!

Christopher Ryan

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Previous Next Written August 31, 2004 (Posted August 6, 2008)